You're So Money and You Don't Even Know it 

by Mr. Brown

 

IMy friends and I went to Vegas this past December, but I'm just now caring enough to type it up.

I'll try not to bore you with the usual mundane details that I seem to find funny.  Or maybe I will anyway, because honestly, I don't care about you or your feelings.  You should've realized this coming into this relationship, but now you're stuck because you left your CD's in my car. 

The flight over was tolerable since Albert busted out his laptop so I got to watch Miami Vice (Miami Wise, man. Numba one show!) the whole way over.  Oh, and one of the flight attendants was named Mike Tyson.  How fuckin' awesome is that?  No one who's ever serviced you has had such a famous name.  Those hookers with the fake names don't count. 

We get to Vegas, meet up with Jaimito and Perico who flew over on their own (from Houston and Denver, respectively).  A 15 minute limo ride later and we're at the Mirage.  After dinner, we all split up.  I end up alone and wind up blowing 50 bucks in 20 minutes on a fuckin' slot machine.

Don't ever play those motherfuckers.  Just give me your money and I'll knee you in the balls, it's the same feeling.  I got pissed, went to my room and called it a night. 

The next day, Albert wakes me up, says him and Sunshine won some money.  That immediately gives me hope on getting my 50 bucks back.  We head down to the lobby/casino and sit a table.  I'm a complete novice and the dealer's a dick, so I get railed again.  The dealer switches to some Asian lady and my luck starts.  She's awesome too.  She says when you should hit or stay and is usually right.  I started drinking right away (it was about 4pm already) and finally get the hang of it.  When the dick would switch back in, I'd take those hands off.  Fuck that guy.

My memory fades, but now it's about 7 or 8 and we're at the next table over, still playing blackjack.  Some cool dude named Tom sits there, along with some bearded friend of his and some other lady with a nice rack.  If someday I see Tom again, I'm gonna give him money, cause that guy knew his shit and helped Albert and I not suck as much.  We were there for about 6 or 7 hours STRAIGHT. 

And boy were those Vodka Red Bulls flowing.  Every time that waitress would pass by, I ordered one.  I must've had at least 10 before the game winded down.  We went across the street to get something to eat and had some 4 dollar pizza slices that fuckin' hit the spot like a motherfucker. 

If you can, try to avoid that much Red Bull when you're drinking.  I got to my room, pass out for about an hour and suddenly shot back up.  My eyes were wide awake and I couldn't fucking sit still.  Plus it felt like I had been chewing on cotton balls and sand for that last hour.  I stumbled around, found my cash and made it to the vending machines.  I bought a Powerade and downed it within about a minute, but nothing doing.  It didn't work.  Now I was starting to get nauseous and needed to do something.  I got complimentary bucket and filled it with ice so I can chew on it for a while.  I sat on my bed, completely wired, chewing on ice.  I thought I heard something outside, so I open my door and look outside.  Chilio was walking towards his room and sees me. 
Him: 'What the hell are you doing?!'

Me: *wild-eyed and wild-haired* I..uh..thought I heard something..Ohh well, good night.'

After 4 hours of this, the Red Bull finally released me from its stranglehold and I fell asleep.  I slept until about 4 in the afternoon.  I got up and went to the mall in the Venetian with everyone.  Another nice place with a whole bunch of stuff.

We get back to the Mirage and I start looking around for a place to watch the Cowboys game against Atlanta.  I'm not sure where everyone else was (I think the Spearmint Rhino. I can't remember).  I finally found some TV's showing it, but it was inside the Poker area.  So I stood there for the entire first half, right in front of the TV, just watching the game.  At halftime I find Albert and we start playing again, same table and everything.  I started drinking again, but my luck isn't as good as the night before.  I was able to break even, then go up by about 50 bucks.  I didn't want to press my luck, so I went to cash out. 

Luck was my lady that night.

As I stood in line, I glanced at the floor and saw a $100 chip.  I looked around, then took an awkward step forward and stepped on it.  I cashed out and went back to the table to tell everyone.  The Cowboys ended up winning, and the rest of the guys had just gotten back and were ready to go the club.

We get to RAIN and have to wait about an hour.  We had called ahead and reserved a table, so we were able to get in before most. 

I stopped drinking because I was starving.  Problem was, once I couldn't get drunk, I couldn't have as much fun.  I looked around for a while, but nothing caught my eye.  The hotter chicks all had boyfriends and the rest ranged from 'sigh' to 'meh'. 

My brother shows up and, like a dick, takes off, leaving his drunk wife there.  Now we all end up taking care of her.  At one point there was some girls in our area, but they were low quality. 

We take off and Saul is drunk as shit.  He says a few racists things, asks the cab driver if he has drugs and a few more things.  We started playing again for an hour or two, then finally just went to bed.

We eat breakfast the next morning at McDonald's.  Apparently there's no fat people in Vegas, because the cashier was dumbfound by my request for a 20 piece Nugget meal.  Had to pay extra just to get those extra 10 fucking nuggets.  It had been about 36 hours since the 4 dollar pizza, so I was starving.  We got to the mall inside the Caesar's.  I spend most of my winnings on souvenirs for Brenda.

We all got split up on our trip to the airport, so it was just Chilio, Sunshine, and me.  Sunshine ended up getting the random Al-Qeada search so it's just Chilio and I.  Everyone else had formed a line inside, instead of outside, so they had to run just to make it on time for boarding. 

That's pretty much where it ends, folks.  I did the math when I got home to figure out my winnings, but forgot how much.  I know I came back with about $100 bucks in my pocket and about $200 worth of souvenirs.  I spent $100 at the club and drank at least 15-20 drinks. 

Not bad for a novice. 


So suck on that, honey pie, and I'll see you when I see you.